A Letter to God

This letter was part of Phoebe's homework. She told me several months ago that she felt called to be a missionary. I was so touched so I pray that she continues to follow God's lead and goes where He calls her. She's 9, but God works through all of us. Praise Him!

If you can't read her handwriting it says this:

Dear God,
I have always wanted to be a missionary. But I am not always that kind of person. So I was shocked when I felt you calling me to become one. I have already tried with my Aunt's and Uncle's. But sadly they barely paid attention. :(
I know I can help them. I just don't know how. Please help me to know what to do. Help me to listen to you and be that kind of person every day. ...Love, Phoebe

Dear....

Dear parents of the 3.5 to 6 years old at church,
I was teaching your little ones at church on Sunday. First let me tell you that I love your children. I truly do. I love teaching them about Jesus, and I love seeing them learn. However for the safety of others and sanity of the teachers there are rules to follow.
1) I know it was Easter and your little ones were dressed in their finest, and you want everyone to see how cute they are, (and they were) but if your child has a cold and is dripping snot all over everything, may I suggest you, a) leave them home, or b) sit with them in the back of church in case you have to leave. Please keep your sick kids away from others, because even though I thought I washed my hands every three seconds and tried not to go near your child's snot, I am now sneezing (in to a tissue) all over the place.
2) 3.5 is the age we let your child in this class. Not 3. I saw you bring a tiny child in the class. I asked if he was 3.5. You said yes...he's 3. I said the class is for 3.5 to 6. You said yes....he's 3. I suspect he's not 3.5. The other teacher and I said the class will take 3 yr old children if they are potty trained. You said yes, your child is potty trained. Um...your child is not potty trained. I understand accidents happen, but I believe this was no accident. Your child lay on his stomach on the floor for about 10 minutes. When he got up, the carpet and himself was wet. Only then did he tell me he had to go potty. Am I wrong to think your child is not potty trained? signed, a germ and pee infested Sunday school helper.

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Dear Weather,
Stop....just stop. It's almost May. The sun should be shining, the flowers and trees blooming. They are not, because you decide to snow and rain all the time. OK, I'm grateful that you will be raining all week instead of snowing, but the ground cannot hold all this water and my basement is wet. I did wet at church, I'm not happy with wet anymore. Let the sun have its way for awhile.
signed, desiring dry

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Dear whoever thought that Easter means having candy,
You did a fine job of making the candy look all pretty and inviting in the stores. Yes, I bought some. Yes, I am eating it. Yes, I am loving it. No, I am not loving what it is doing to my hips and complexion. I have a love/hate thing for you. Go away. No don't. Yes, go. No don't. Help!
signed, Weakling

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Dear husband,
You took me for a ride on your Harley the other day. I pretended that it was OK. I told you I had fun. I thanked you for being safe. I lied. It was FUN! It was AWESOME! I LOVED it! You look hot on it! I felt hot on it and it was no hot flash. Give to me your leather, take from me my lace. Can't wait for another ride.
signed, your biker babe

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Dear children of mine,
I hear you. You are hungry. I am stopping this post to make your supper. Quit eating snacks. I'm going to make your supper right now! If you don't eat supper because of all the snacks and Easter candy you are eating....
signed, your mom who's putting a blog post ahead of you

Dear Mom

I got this e-mail from Phoebe tonight.

Dear Mom,

I have so many things to ask you. First of all have you ever had a baby boy?And were you ever on TV? When was your mom born?Did you have any other dogs? How many pets have you had? How many kids would you have? Who do you like better? What's your favrite color? Please write back.

Love Phoebe

I guess her inquiring mind wants to know.

Dear Phoebe,
I have a baby boy. I married him. He is your dad.
Was I ever on T.V.? Ever hear of the show "Snapped"? Yup, that was me.
My mom (your grandma) was born a lot sooner than 9 months after her mom and dad were married. Quite the scandal in 1924-25.
You know Phoebe...even though I had 3 dogs in my life...you're still not getting one.
How many kids would I have... if what?? If I had more money? more patience? more time? There's been times I think I had two too many.
Let's see...who do I like better. Who are my choices? God vs. satan? God
your dad vs. any ex of mine? I choose your dad. Col. Sanders vs. Ronald McDonald? I'm not that fond of clowns, so I choose the old man. OH! you mean you or your sister? How much money do you have for me to give you the answer you want to hear?
My favorite color is the color than makes me look the thinnest and prettiest. Not sure what color that is though. Tell me when I hit it right, will ya?

There you go Phoebe. Everything you wanted to know, and probably most of what you didn't want to know.


OK, ok... I gave the real straightforward answers when I replied to Phoebe. She can read these answers when she's older. :o)

Dear So and So...

Dear Husband, Just because your baseball team lost doesn't mean you have to be such a crab butt at the rest of your family. They lost! Get over it. -your wife-

Dear Children of mine, When I tell you to get out of the pool because your lips are blue, means I love you and care for you. I'm not being "mean mom". Seeing you shiver and turn blue is not my idea of taking care of you. Tomorrow is another day. Swim then. love, your caring mom

Dear Grocers, Do you not realize that people around here like Roundy's Creme Soda? Why don't you stock up double on it. Making me go to 3 stores to find some, wastes gas, and I'm not thrilled to do it. I scarfed up the last 5 cases of it, when I did find it, so now someone else is going to get mad at you. I do appreciate the great deal you had on them though. thanks, a somewhat disgruntled shopper.

Dear dear lady, No, no, no. The giant beehive you had on your head is not in style anymore. You didn't appear short to me, so having another 9 inches piled on top of your head is not needed. Maybe you admired the country singer ladies from the 1970's but even they joined the new century. Also, you appear to be an older woman. 60's, 70's? Wearing short shorts and tube tops is not making you look younger. I'm sorry I considered taking a picture of you. Shame on me. signed, a concerned onlooker

Dear Mailman, Since you wear a uniform, I assume that your place of employment would like you to wear it properly. Coming to the door with your shirt unbuttoned and wide open with your chest hanging out is not proper attire. The lady of the house is not impressed. Please honor your employer and dress accordingly. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. signed, eyes wide shut

Dear Self, You stink. I know you worked hard all day getting ready for your 4th of July party tomorrow, but seeing you are on break now, well, it's time to shower. Go on, your/my nose is not happy right now. What? Just a few more minutes on the computer. Ugh! You're worse than me. Wait, I am you. You're me right? Whoever we are, it's time to go shower. Go. signed, pigpen

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Well, that was fun. For more Dear So and So's click on the picture above.